After graduating from college in May, where I was generally well-received among the student body of my small campus, I realized that high school was an entirely different story. I was incredibly uncool and participated in various activities, such as singing bass for the female barbershop quartet, being a teacher’s pet, co-captaining the speech and debate team, and being an orchestra nerd. To commemorate the start of school at the end of the month, I present to you a comprehensive list of ten Broadway characters who I believe would mercilessly bully me if I attended high school with them.
- The Whole Cast of Heathers (except Martha): Let’s be honest, Martha is the only one in this tale who possesses a great personality. From the very beginning, we witness how terrible the student body at Westerburg High is, as they roast each other without any prompting whatsoever. Even the nerds are dreadful and impolite. While Martha would be my only friend in that sea of posers and backstabbing brats, the rest of the Heathers and Veronica would abandon their best friend for a mere chance at popularity, making them truly malevolent. I’d likely find myself getting dunked in the bathroom toilets repeatedly.
- Prince Eric’s Maids in The Little Mermaid: These industrious queens may be somewhat annoyed that the prince hasn’t fallen for any of them, even after stealing glimpses of them in the hallways or while they cleared his dishes. However, that gives them no reason to belittle Ariel just because she hasn’t spoken since arriving at the palace. It’s not just one or two alpha maids leading the hate against Ariel, but every single one of them. Given that Ariel has done nothing wrong and they feel the need to ruthlessly gossip behind her back, it’s certain that they would mock my baggy bootcut jeans and musical theater t-shirts that I wore in high school, along with my gorgeous colonial-style ponytail.
- Galinda from Wicked: Galinda was the Regina George of Shiz. That girl was blonde, bubbly, beautiful, and the biggest bully at that school. She coerced the rest of the student body to follow her opinions, pitting them all against Elphaba simply because she was green. Galinda would threaten to have her boyfriends beat me up in exchange for homework, spread lies about me to the teachers, force me to do her chores, and find a way to get me expelled from the school.
- George from Sunday in the Park with George: George has no tolerance for anyone who distracts him from his art. If this brilliant painter couldn’t even pay attention to his cheating girlfriend, he would be extremely annoyed by my constant need to fill awkward silence with nervous chatter. I would be kicked out of his posing squad within minutes for fidgeting too much, and he would blacklist me from all art communities in the area. He’s ruthless, and my goofiness would ruin any potential friendship or working relationship.
- Anatole from The Great Comet: Anatole is the old-fashioned Russian equivalent of a frat boy. Considering how frat boys in college treated me, I doubt I would be on Anatole’s list of suitable people to associate with. This man’s entire descriptor throughout the show is “HOT”. And since I am very much “NOT,” I would become a target for his degrading insults and cruel laughter. He might even pretend to like me, only to publicly embarrass me once he exposes his true intentions.
- Wednesday Addams from The Addams Family: Wednesday has no patience for anything bright and sunny, let alone people who possess that disposition. I wear crocs, almost exclusively wear bright colors, adore stuffed animals, and try to bring positivity to everything I do. Wednesday would tear me apart with her cold-heartedness. She would find a way to make me the lowest in the social hierarchy, pranking me by spray-painting everything I own black and slipping ink into my shampoo bottle.
- Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady: Higgins would never consider me worthy enough to use the same bathroom as him. With my Philadelphia accent and American way of speaking, Higgins would verbally annihilate me, or rather, “Piggins.” He would strike me across the face with his gloves and find a way to run me over with his brand new Mercedes-Benz.
- The Von Trapp Children from The Sound of Music: These children were absolute monsters for mistreating all their nannies horrendously. I’m too meek and easily manipulated to last even a day in the house with them. They would manage to convince me that they were sweet and innocent, only to cut off all my hair, burn all my belongings, and falsely report me to the government as a war criminal. These children would crush my spirit, and I would transfer to a different school as soon as possible.
- Danny Zuko from Grease: High school boys like Danny demolished my fragile self-esteem in high school. If Danny found pre-transformation Sandy embarrassing to his image, there’s no chance I would escape his vicious, sexist gaze. He would likely say terrible things about me, comparing me to a pig, a boy, and mocking me for my nerdiness. Thankfully, he is fictional.
- Alana Beck from Dear Evan Hansen: Alana would be my high school archenemy. As an overachiever with straight As, we would compete head-to-head for the title of valedictorian senior year. She would stop at NOTHING to achieve academic success, even hacking into my phone and leaking something about me on Facebook to divert my attention and cause my grades to plummet. She would have no guilt and would laugh at me all the way to Harvard.
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